“Ma’am please keep your clothes on!”

 

On a recent trip to Kansas City I hit a few glitches…ok more than a few.  So I’m pretty sick of spending time in the airports and I have the route to the airport perfectly timed so that I can park, get to the terminal, check in and get to the gate approximately 10 minutes before the flight starts boarding.  This is all well and good when the highway is good.  Well this particular day some asshat decided to flip his car in the second lane of I-15 creating the traffic jam from hell.  I had just gotten on the highway and seriously contemplated backing down the on ramp, but there were police all over and I figured that I didn’t need a ticket on top of missing my flight.  It seriously took me like 45 minutes to go 5 miles…it was that bad.  So as soon as I cleared the traffic I was gone.  I had no idea that a Honda Civic could go 90 and I don’t ever want to find that out again. 

 

So I arrive at the airport and I figured I would park in the economy lot rather than my offsite lot because in the economy lot at least I’m at the airport…it should be quicker.  Well I get on the shuttle and I realize that the shuttle is dropping people off as well as picking people up.  It wouldn’t be so bad but I live in mormon land where the approximate family size is 8.  Of course when you have families that large it takes them a wicked long time to get everything on and off the shuttle.  Of course by this point I was ready to start helping them along…and they weren’t going to like it. 

 

I finally arrived at the Delta terminal 25 minutes before my flight was scheduled to leave.  I ran up to the agent and told her I wasn’t even going to try the kiosk because I knew that it wouldn’t let me check in and she just looked at me and said, “I can’t check your bag.”  I looked right back at her and said, “Well it’s a good thing it’s a carry on size.”  Then she retorts that there is no guarantee that I am going to make this flight.  To which I state that if she doesn’t give me a boarding pass, I’m never going to find out.  She begrudgingly gives me the boarding pass and I proceed to start hauling liquids out of my suitcase.  (As a side note I thought I got all of my liquids greater than 3 oz…turns out there were quite a few things that TSA didn’t even touch that they should have thrown out...I think the Salt Lake TSA deserves some Christmas cookies from me).  So I throw out some liquids and go tearing up the stairs to go through security.  By the time I reach security I am on the verge of hyperventilating.  The people in line were nice enough to let me cut ahead and the guy checking IDs states that he will only let me through if I take a deep breath.  I take the deep breath and proceed to throw all my stuff on the conveyor belt.  I start to walk through the metal detector and I hear a loud beep.  I yell something not PG rated as I realize that my belt is still on.  So I yank that off.  I go to step through again when I hear another beep.  I again yell something not PG rated and rip my sunglasses off my head.  The third time there was another beep and I just looked at the TSA guy and I said, “What the hell I have nothing left to strip off?”  He looked at me and said, “um ma’am you have a metal piece on your shirt.”  I look down and sure enough I had forgotten when I chose the outfit that might be a problem.  I looked straight at him and I said, “Sir, I need to catch my flight…I take this shirt off right now if it gets me out of here.”  To which he said, “Ma’am please keep your clothes on and step over there.”  So I ended up in the clear pat down booth, hyperventilating and trying to run away…I’m really lucky I didn’t get arrested.  The lady who was doing the search asked where I was going and why…when I told her, she hurried her search along.  Meanwhile the other TSAers had taken all my liquids, my belt and sunglasses and thrown them all in my bag and brought it over to me.  I grabbed my shoes and I was off running again, barefoot through the airport.  When I say I ran a mile…I probably did and when I say I did it at a sprint, I totally did.  When I got to the gate they were in final boarding and I asked the gate guy if I made it…he said I did and that I should move right along to the outside gate.  So yes, I ran outside on the concrete in my socks all the way to the gate, knocking over old people and little children along the way.  When I finally got to the plane I must have looked like a wreck…so much for looking put together when I got off the plane! 

 

Lesson learned…I should just suck it up and leave for the airport way early.  It’s better to sit there and be bored than to have to run through the terminal in your socks. 

 

That is all.