The Post I Never Wanted to Write (AKA I don't know how to say good-bye)

(warning: contains none of the sarcasm and bite of my other posts, for once I write about something sentimental.)

My grandmother has been a fan of this blog since the first day it was conceived. My aunt and my mom would print off my tirades and take them over to her for her to read. She thought all of my jokes were funny and she told me that one day I should turn this blog into a book. She said I was guaranteed to sell at least one copy because she would buy it.

Well, this weekend I had to rush back to NY. I was on the golf course when my father told me that I should book the ticket home because my grandma might not even hold on long enough for me to get there. I broke down crying on the course, but thankfully I have wonderful friends in Utah that were ready with a hug and a ride to the airport to help make things easier. I had my Aunt June hold up the phone so I could tell my Grandma that I loved her and that I would be there soon. My aunt told me that she definitely heard me and knew it was me and was trying to talk back, but couldn't because of all the stuff she had gone through. I finished out my golf game because I knew that was what Grandma would want me to do (and I also knew that I could not get a flight before the red eye that night) and I went home. I booked my ticket at 6 for a flight at 11:40. That just astonished me. For months and months I plan and track and wait for tickets to be just the right price for just the right flight, and bam all at once I book a flight to leave in 5 hours! The rest of the time was spent alternating between throwing random clothes in a suitcase (I still don't know all of what I brought with me!) and crying hysterically on my bedroom floor. I know crying doesn't help anything or make anything easier, but I thought maybe I could get it all out of my system in Utah and then I could be strong for the rest of the family.

That was another hard part about all of this. When my family was going through this in NY, they were slowly trickling into my Grandma's hospital room and they all had each other. I am very fortunate in the fact that my Grandma had 5 kids and those 5 kids had multiple kids and everyone loves each other. Everyone gets along and everyone is there to help everyone else. When I heard about this, I was in Utah alone. I mean I had great friends that offered to help in any way they could, but it's not the same as having your family there with you, crying with you and hugging you.

So I packed everything I thought that I could possibly need, but I'm not even sure what that is, because I don't really remember packing it, and then it was off to the airport. The guy that gave me the ride was wonderful. He offered to bring me dinner and then even showed up early to take me. I am very lucky to have great friends in Utah.

Well someone wanted me to have an angst filled night because Jet Blue wouldn't let me print a boarding pass because it was too close to check in time or something. So I had the worry of getting to the airport and not having a boarding pass. This age of E-ticketing is supposed to be easier and most times it is. And I definitely had a confirmation number, but I was just afraid I would get there and they wouldn't have a seat for me. Imagine me, worry...I never worry about anything...ever. Hmm...wonder where I got that from (my Grandma for those of you that don't know her). So anyways, we drive to the airport and all of a sudden I-15 becomes a parking lot. They shut down the entire 4 lane highway. Period. All 4 lanes...shut down. So we are sitting in the parking lot for like 15 minutes and the detour that the cops sent us on was literally 500 feet from the exit we got off on. So they shut down an entire 4 lane southbound highway for 500 feet. That state makes no sense sometimes. Anyways, so we are back up to speed and rolling along and I get to the airport. I get inside the terminal and the only airline with a line 2 miles is long is...you guessed it, Jet Blue. So I am cursing my luck and nervously clock watching to make sure I can make it in time. This is the one time I have not cursed big Mormon families. Because the line was 2 miles long but everytime someone went up to the counter their 18 kids followed them...so it made the line move much quicker. I get on the plane and completely pass out thanks to generic tylenol cold and sinus nighttime. Seriously, you want to fall asleep that is the stuff to take! I do not remember take off. I vaguely remember ordering a water. But I was asleep by the time the flight attendant brought it to me. So someone put down my tray and set the water on it. I woke up long enough to drink the water and pass out again. The next time I woke up was when the captain was telling us that we were starting our decent into JFK....with no visibility. Not even kidding, our pilot told us he was landing the plane blind, but don't worry folks, the auto pilot is on. Well at this point I was not even worried about acutally landing...I was just worried that we wouldn't be able to take back off to go to Syracuse. So in a fashion that would make Grandma proud, I start worrying about delays, rental cars and how I was going to get to Syracuse. When I arrived at the terminal it was too early for my next flight to be posted...thanks to a 3.5 hour layover. So I got some Dunkin' Donuts coffee (yay east coast) and chilled.

I get on the second flight and Jet Blue had double booked my seat and the lady in my seat was giving me so much attitude. I just wanted to scream at her. But I didn't. And then the guy next to me was trying to assuage things and asked where I was going and why. When I told him, I sort of teared up a little and then it seemed like it was his goal to keep my mind occupied. Come to find out the guy next to me was a Maxwell grad that had spoke to my class as a guest speaker. I don't usually speak about religion and such, but sometimes I really feel like a higher being puts certain people at certain places in your life for certain reasons. That was that guy's purpose that day. To talk to me about my time at Cuse and to keep me from crying the whole way to Syracuse. My second flight was supposedly on time. And my cousin and my sister thought I was going to be on time. So I felt bad when I sat on the tarmac for an hour just waiting to take off putting me in Syracuse a good hour late. There were 70 planes waiting to take off. Im not even kidding we were lined up end to end for as far as I could see out the window, which on an airplane isn't that far, but still. And there was a weird calm over me. I was freaking out that I wasn't freaking out. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I would get to the hospital in time and that I would see my grandma one last time.

So I land and I start down the escalator and I see my cousin and she looks at me and says, "Don't start!" I knew she meant crying, because her and I cry everytime we see each other. Even at happy occasions...like weddings. Why? Who knows! So I managed not to cry but then she looked at me and said, "She's waiting for you to get there." And my heart broke. I didn't cry, but I knew in my heart that she was holding out for me. So we rush to get there and I walked in and she was unconcious. And I touched her arm and I said, "Grandma, I'm here." And I swear I saw her eyes flutter. I know that she knew I was there. And I held myself together so well for most of the day. I mean there were some tears from everyone but there were some laughs from everyone too. It was so healing to have the family all sitting around together and telling stories, hugging and crying all together. And then the granddaughters went in and we said good-bye to her in our own way. And it was heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time. We were all together, we were there, she knew we were there and we knew she wasn't in any pain. You can't ask for anything better than that.

This morning she passed away...well by the time I post this it will be tomorrow...so she passed away yesterday morning. It's so hard to let go, but at the same time it's wonderful that she was so loved. Everyone that knew my grandmother, loved her. My college friends used to call her "my cute little Grandma" and she was. She was everyone's grandma and that's wonderful. She was warm and caring and that's what every kid should want in a grandma. And I'm sure that if I ever finally surrender and get married, my mom will be that kind of grandma. Because she was raised right.

Letting go is so hard for me for so many reasons. My grandma and I had so much in common. We were both the oldest of 2 girls. And we used to compare notes on how to deal with those pesky little sisters. We both loved to read. And I think that's where I got some of my love of reading. My mom used to read to my sister and I every night, but when I went to my grandma's she would always read to me, even when she knew that I could read it to her...she still read to me. And it was always Dr. Seuss...cause that's what I wanted her to read. Fox in Socks, Cat in the Hat, Wocket in my Pocket and of course Green Eggs and Ham! Especially Wocket in my Pocket. I know she got sick of that one because I made her read it so much, but I just liked hearing her say Beetle Battle with Paddles or something like that. I secretly think she liked reading Green Eggs and Ham to me the best because she knew I was a picky eater. We both loved music. I remember going over and banging on her organ. I think there might even be a picture of a little me playing on the organ at Grandma's. Between her and my mom they tag team taught me how to read music at a very young age...and I have been doing it ever since. I rocked music class in 3rd grade because of all the Rodgers and Hammerstein songs I used to play. My grandma taught me it was ok to sing in church. She used to get out the little hymnal and point along and sing...and during the Our Father...she would always give my hand a little squeeze. And she was forever singing songs to her grandchildren. Every time my sister walked in the door when we were little she would sing "k-k-k-katie" And she sang "Where the River Shannon Flows" for me. She was so excited to tell me they flew into Shannon airport in Ireland.

When we were sick as kids we always wanted to go to Grandma's house. Because there was a good chance that you were going to get to lay on the couch and watch The Price is Right and there was a better chance that you were going to get a Happy Meal for lunch. And when all the girl cousins got together for girls weekend with Grandma, you knew you were going to get spoiled rotten! Grandma spoiled us rotten all the time. I think she's the reason I have an unhealthy obsession with skittles. I remember her bringing me bags of them as a kid when they would stop by the house to visit.

Her grandchildren and her children were her life and we all knew it. She had the Wall of Fame that was her refridgerator and when you were in the paper for something, it got posted on the fridge. She used to rotate her pictures on her shelves so that no one grandchild was on the bottom too long...can't have anyone getting jealous. She attended all the concerts, competitions, horse shows, cow shows and musicals. She got mad at the field band judges for not knowing that Central Square should win and she got mad at the cow show judges because Katie was so cute with her little cow, she should automatically get first. Seriously, I think we had to hold her back at State Fair one year, she was so mad at one judge that she really wanted to give him what for. All the granddaughters were always so beautiful, no matter what we were wearing or looked like at the time.

And she loved my grandfather. They were like 2 peas in a pod. My biological grandfather died before I was born and she married my grandfather when I was one and I can't imagine her being with anyone else. They truly loved each other and its what I hope I find for myself someday. He took such good care of her always. They traveled, they had their camp and they loved their kids. I was so blessed to have 2 such wonderful people in my life. I worry about my grandpa now. I know he'll be ok. I know that he feels relief in knowing that she isn't suffering anymore. But I can't imagine him without my grandma. I know how difficult it must be for him and I can't imagine the hurt he must be going through. But he's lucky because he still has all of us to share his grief with him and to love him as much as we loved her.

I am going to learn how to crochet. Maybe not tomorrow, but at some point in the future. My grandma really enjoyed that in her younger days and she made all of us an afghan. My grandfather says that she used to crochet blankets because she was always cold and she like to have something serving a purpose while she was making something for the grandkids. And its just so wonderful to have that reminder of her. And she did teach all the granddaughters how to crochet...and I kind of remember but I'm sure a google search could refresh my memory.

The only thing I regret is that she never got to hold a great grandchild. I kind of feel a little responsibility for that because I was the oldest...but its not like I can say...hmm think I'm going to pop out a kid today. But I know that when the first great grandchild does come, she'll be there in some way, shape or form.

I could go on for pages and pages and I have been writing this post for about 4 hours now. So I think I should wrap it up.

My grandmother's one piece of wisdom to me every time an obstacle came up in my life was, "Shannon, you will be a better person for this." It didn't matter if I got rejected from college or was scared about moving to Utah. She always told me that I would be a better person. And its really hard and I am sad right now, but Grandma was right, I am a better person because I had her in my life.

That is all.