Only in Utah…



I have lived in Utah for over a year now and I am still amazed by the number of stories that I hear on the news that make me shake my head and say, “Only in Utah.” For example, there was a story on ABC 4 this morning about a girl that wants to be in the Guinness World Record Book for hugging the most number of people. First, why is this newsworthy? Second, who wants to hug 765 strangers? But wait, it took place at the LDS Edgemont North Stake Church party. And their planets are totally going to be next to hers with their 5 wives when they die…so they aren’t really strangers right? The girl’s quote made the whole story even better, “It was like we were herding cattle, but it was totally exiting because it was like all these people are going to be part of this experience.” Like totally yeah! I am totally like going to run out right now and write a letter to all of my friends telling them that I totally was part of this record. I know that I should stop making fun of people’s sheltered lives and there are a lot of silly records out there and at least this one spreads goodwill…so I should just stop ranting. But I can’t believe that this is newsworthy…although I grew up in an area that covered a world record for making snow angels…so maybe I can’t make fun.



In other news, I have lived in Utah for over a year now. Holy crap. I didn’t implode on myself, I didn’t die, I lived alone, made some friends and didn’t harm any Mormons in the process. I deserve a gold star. In honor of that allow me to reflect on the past year. (The following is a bit long, sometimes a bit mushy and I hope…a little funny just a warning.)



In the past year I have actually only lived in Utah for 297 days. Yes, that’s right I spent 68 days out of the state, thanks mostly to things called TDYs or Temporary Duty Y’all (honestly I don’t know why the Y is there). TDYs are a glorious thing invented by the military that allows people like me to spend time in wonderful places like Anaheim, CA, Clearwater, FL, Heath, OH and Boston. The purpose is so that I can recharge my batteries and make the trek from Salt Lake Airport to Layton on I-15 without strangling a soccer mom (or perhaps I am supposed to learn something when I go on these trips…but I digress). Which brings me to my next point.



Utah drivers. They suck. They don’t understand that the left lane is for passing. Also, when the sign says 65 that is not a suggestion…it’s a law. And laws are made to be broken. When they sign says 65, it really means 70…especially if you are in the left lane that is meant for passing. Utants also can’t merge worth a damn. This point was driven home just this morning as I was taking Kelly to the airport. It’s hard to explain in a blog but to simplify it instead of merging like a normal human being the Utant decided to slam on his brakes. This caused me to then slam on my brakes and Kelly to go into my windshield, thus putting me in a state of pissed off that I have not been in a long time. To all Utah drivers: Don’t piss of a New Yorker before he/she has had a chance to drink coffee in the morning. Don’t do it. Period. Otherwise you risk losing your front bumper, which is almost what happened today.



While you are driving down said freeway attempting not to strangle someone driving badly you may also have a rock fall from the sky and hit your windshield. Case in point, July 4th I was driving up to Ogden to go hiking. It’s early, like 7:15. There is no one around. No one. Not a car, not a semi, no construction…nothing. Out of the middle of nowhere a rock falls from the freaking sky and hits my windshield leaving a bullet sized crack. I went and got it fixed and a few days later I was driving back from Salt Lake late one night and another rock falls from the sky and puts a 2 inch crack in my hood. I think God is punishing me for not being Mormon, married, barefoot and pregnant. Which brings me to my next lesson/observation.



This culture…it’s not American. I’m not sure what it is but it ranks up there with fundamental Islam. I can’t count on 2 hands and 2 feet how many times I have been asked if I was married, engaged, dating or had children. And then when I say that I am none of those things…I get looked at as if I am going to die of cancer tomorrow. It’s ridiculous. In any other part of the country those kind of questions might get you a punch in the face. Not here. It’s accepted…it’s normal…and it’s down right freaking rude. Also, asking if I’m LDS is also rude. I don’t go around asking these people if they are wearing their Jesus Jammies today (Mormon underwear). Same principle…don’t ask me what religion I am or whether or not I have a significant other. It’s none of your damn business unless I want to tell you. In which case, if I did want to tell you…I would have already. And I am all for people being wholesome and pure or whatever you want to call it…but don’t treat me like I am a bad person if I’m not. If I bring in my cup of coffee to work in the morning…don’t stare at me (because secretly I know you are jealous and you yearn to drink satan’s tears too...just to have that kickstart…mmmm caffeine…so sinful). When I talk about grabbing an alcoholic drink on the weekend with 10 of my closest friends don’t get all huffy and walk out of the cube. Wait on second thought…please do…we didn’t want you in there in the first place. It’s one thing to be a wholesome person…it’s quite another to be an arrogant prick. Which leads me to my next point.



Utah has learned some things about me too. I am not going to marry young and pop out 15 kids and stay home and have my husband be a condescending prick on the phone to me. It’s just not going to happen. Yes, I am single, yes I have a masters, and no I don’t plan to give up my career anytime soon. So deal with it. You are going to have to deal with me in the office whether you like it or not, condescending men…so do us all a favor by not acting like jerks. Moving on.



This year was difficult. I had never even visited the state of Utah before I moved there. I knew one person…my buddy Amanda but she was up at Utah State being a grad student and I know how crazy that is…so I knew I wouldn’t see her that often. I moved into an apartment that was less than I had expected. I had to get used to the idea that it would take me 12 hours to get home when I needed to. I had no Wegman’s out here. I had no good bagel and coffee shops and no decent apples. It is hotter than Hades in the summer and cold in the winter. The first 2 weeks I was out here I felt like a lizard and I drank water like it was my job. I had to adjust to altitude…it sounds easy…but it wasn’t. Walking up a flight of stairs would make me winded. I had more free time than I ever had in my whole life. I caught up on movies and books that I had wanted to see and read for awhile. I made some awesome friends! I was more social than I had ever been in my life. I lost some friends and was more hurt than I had ever been before in my life. I acquired a kitten and then the jokes about me being a crazy cat lady started. (I only have 2 cats! 3 or more makes a crazy cat lady!!!) I sat in a to scale launch facility for the largest missile in the US arsenal. I flew an F-35 in a simulator. I propelled my body down an icy slope at almost 60 miles an hour with inches between my body and the ice. I rode a crazy horse on beautiful Western desert mountains. I hiked with some cool people. I skied for the first time in my life. I golfed. I sat on my balcony and watched birds build a nest in my dryer vent. I learned that you can make acronyms out of acronyms.



A lot of people ask me how I like Utah. I always say, “It’s different.” That’s true. It is different. Then I get asked if I regret moving out there. I don’t regret anything. Every experience that I have had for better or worse, has made me the person I am today (a wise man once told me that). I’d like to think that it was for the better. I think I am stronger today than I was a year ago. I think I am more sarcastic and have a more biting tongue today than I did a year ago. I never used to put up with anybody’s crap…now I REALLY don’t put up with anybody’s crap. It’s also a good thing that I am on sort of a quasi contract where if I quit I would have to pay back a ton of my student loans that the government has already paid…because if I didn’t have that holding me here…I might not have stayed past month 2.



So what’s on my horizon? In the immediate future, a pay raise. Then I am excited about being in 2 weddings next year. The first will be my friend Kelly’s, I met her out here and I could not ask for a better voice of reason and I am honored that I get to be in her wedding. The second will be for my awesome cousin Mandi as her maid of honor!!!!!!!! So excited!!! I love Mandi and CJ, and they are so adorable they make me want to throw up in my mouth a little, but they are the perfect pair (I’ll save the rest of my spiel for the speech at the wedding.) Perhaps this winter I will get out skiing a little bit more than I did last winter. I am also going to try to take the military physical fitness test. This coming from the girl that couldn’t run a mile in high school…now I have to run 1.5 miles! So I have to get training for that. I have some cool trips coming up including one where I am told that I will come face to face with a nuclear warhead…literally. So we’ll see how that goes. Do I love Utah, absolutely not. But I am attempting to make the best of it while I am here and I am glad that I am here because I would have never just woke up one morning and said, “Hey I want to live in Utah.” People just don’t do that. So I’m glad that I was made to do it.



That is all.