Only in Utah…



I have lived in Utah for over a year now and I am still amazed by the number of stories that I hear on the news that make me shake my head and say, “Only in Utah.” For example, there was a story on ABC 4 this morning about a girl that wants to be in the Guinness World Record Book for hugging the most number of people. First, why is this newsworthy? Second, who wants to hug 765 strangers? But wait, it took place at the LDS Edgemont North Stake Church party. And their planets are totally going to be next to hers with their 5 wives when they die…so they aren’t really strangers right? The girl’s quote made the whole story even better, “It was like we were herding cattle, but it was totally exiting because it was like all these people are going to be part of this experience.” Like totally yeah! I am totally like going to run out right now and write a letter to all of my friends telling them that I totally was part of this record. I know that I should stop making fun of people’s sheltered lives and there are a lot of silly records out there and at least this one spreads goodwill…so I should just stop ranting. But I can’t believe that this is newsworthy…although I grew up in an area that covered a world record for making snow angels…so maybe I can’t make fun.



In other news, I have lived in Utah for over a year now. Holy crap. I didn’t implode on myself, I didn’t die, I lived alone, made some friends and didn’t harm any Mormons in the process. I deserve a gold star. In honor of that allow me to reflect on the past year. (The following is a bit long, sometimes a bit mushy and I hope…a little funny just a warning.)



In the past year I have actually only lived in Utah for 297 days. Yes, that’s right I spent 68 days out of the state, thanks mostly to things called TDYs or Temporary Duty Y’all (honestly I don’t know why the Y is there). TDYs are a glorious thing invented by the military that allows people like me to spend time in wonderful places like Anaheim, CA, Clearwater, FL, Heath, OH and Boston. The purpose is so that I can recharge my batteries and make the trek from Salt Lake Airport to Layton on I-15 without strangling a soccer mom (or perhaps I am supposed to learn something when I go on these trips…but I digress). Which brings me to my next point.



Utah drivers. They suck. They don’t understand that the left lane is for passing. Also, when the sign says 65 that is not a suggestion…it’s a law. And laws are made to be broken. When they sign says 65, it really means 70…especially if you are in the left lane that is meant for passing. Utants also can’t merge worth a damn. This point was driven home just this morning as I was taking Kelly to the airport. It’s hard to explain in a blog but to simplify it instead of merging like a normal human being the Utant decided to slam on his brakes. This caused me to then slam on my brakes and Kelly to go into my windshield, thus putting me in a state of pissed off that I have not been in a long time. To all Utah drivers: Don’t piss of a New Yorker before he/she has had a chance to drink coffee in the morning. Don’t do it. Period. Otherwise you risk losing your front bumper, which is almost what happened today.



While you are driving down said freeway attempting not to strangle someone driving badly you may also have a rock fall from the sky and hit your windshield. Case in point, July 4th I was driving up to Ogden to go hiking. It’s early, like 7:15. There is no one around. No one. Not a car, not a semi, no construction…nothing. Out of the middle of nowhere a rock falls from the freaking sky and hits my windshield leaving a bullet sized crack. I went and got it fixed and a few days later I was driving back from Salt Lake late one night and another rock falls from the sky and puts a 2 inch crack in my hood. I think God is punishing me for not being Mormon, married, barefoot and pregnant. Which brings me to my next lesson/observation.



This culture…it’s not American. I’m not sure what it is but it ranks up there with fundamental Islam. I can’t count on 2 hands and 2 feet how many times I have been asked if I was married, engaged, dating or had children. And then when I say that I am none of those things…I get looked at as if I am going to die of cancer tomorrow. It’s ridiculous. In any other part of the country those kind of questions might get you a punch in the face. Not here. It’s accepted…it’s normal…and it’s down right freaking rude. Also, asking if I’m LDS is also rude. I don’t go around asking these people if they are wearing their Jesus Jammies today (Mormon underwear). Same principle…don’t ask me what religion I am or whether or not I have a significant other. It’s none of your damn business unless I want to tell you. In which case, if I did want to tell you…I would have already. And I am all for people being wholesome and pure or whatever you want to call it…but don’t treat me like I am a bad person if I’m not. If I bring in my cup of coffee to work in the morning…don’t stare at me (because secretly I know you are jealous and you yearn to drink satan’s tears too...just to have that kickstart…mmmm caffeine…so sinful). When I talk about grabbing an alcoholic drink on the weekend with 10 of my closest friends don’t get all huffy and walk out of the cube. Wait on second thought…please do…we didn’t want you in there in the first place. It’s one thing to be a wholesome person…it’s quite another to be an arrogant prick. Which leads me to my next point.



Utah has learned some things about me too. I am not going to marry young and pop out 15 kids and stay home and have my husband be a condescending prick on the phone to me. It’s just not going to happen. Yes, I am single, yes I have a masters, and no I don’t plan to give up my career anytime soon. So deal with it. You are going to have to deal with me in the office whether you like it or not, condescending men…so do us all a favor by not acting like jerks. Moving on.



This year was difficult. I had never even visited the state of Utah before I moved there. I knew one person…my buddy Amanda but she was up at Utah State being a grad student and I know how crazy that is…so I knew I wouldn’t see her that often. I moved into an apartment that was less than I had expected. I had to get used to the idea that it would take me 12 hours to get home when I needed to. I had no Wegman’s out here. I had no good bagel and coffee shops and no decent apples. It is hotter than Hades in the summer and cold in the winter. The first 2 weeks I was out here I felt like a lizard and I drank water like it was my job. I had to adjust to altitude…it sounds easy…but it wasn’t. Walking up a flight of stairs would make me winded. I had more free time than I ever had in my whole life. I caught up on movies and books that I had wanted to see and read for awhile. I made some awesome friends! I was more social than I had ever been in my life. I lost some friends and was more hurt than I had ever been before in my life. I acquired a kitten and then the jokes about me being a crazy cat lady started. (I only have 2 cats! 3 or more makes a crazy cat lady!!!) I sat in a to scale launch facility for the largest missile in the US arsenal. I flew an F-35 in a simulator. I propelled my body down an icy slope at almost 60 miles an hour with inches between my body and the ice. I rode a crazy horse on beautiful Western desert mountains. I hiked with some cool people. I skied for the first time in my life. I golfed. I sat on my balcony and watched birds build a nest in my dryer vent. I learned that you can make acronyms out of acronyms.



A lot of people ask me how I like Utah. I always say, “It’s different.” That’s true. It is different. Then I get asked if I regret moving out there. I don’t regret anything. Every experience that I have had for better or worse, has made me the person I am today (a wise man once told me that). I’d like to think that it was for the better. I think I am stronger today than I was a year ago. I think I am more sarcastic and have a more biting tongue today than I did a year ago. I never used to put up with anybody’s crap…now I REALLY don’t put up with anybody’s crap. It’s also a good thing that I am on sort of a quasi contract where if I quit I would have to pay back a ton of my student loans that the government has already paid…because if I didn’t have that holding me here…I might not have stayed past month 2.



So what’s on my horizon? In the immediate future, a pay raise. Then I am excited about being in 2 weddings next year. The first will be my friend Kelly’s, I met her out here and I could not ask for a better voice of reason and I am honored that I get to be in her wedding. The second will be for my awesome cousin Mandi as her maid of honor!!!!!!!! So excited!!! I love Mandi and CJ, and they are so adorable they make me want to throw up in my mouth a little, but they are the perfect pair (I’ll save the rest of my spiel for the speech at the wedding.) Perhaps this winter I will get out skiing a little bit more than I did last winter. I am also going to try to take the military physical fitness test. This coming from the girl that couldn’t run a mile in high school…now I have to run 1.5 miles! So I have to get training for that. I have some cool trips coming up including one where I am told that I will come face to face with a nuclear warhead…literally. So we’ll see how that goes. Do I love Utah, absolutely not. But I am attempting to make the best of it while I am here and I am glad that I am here because I would have never just woke up one morning and said, “Hey I want to live in Utah.” People just don’t do that. So I’m glad that I was made to do it.



That is all.

It has been a busy summer!



So last week I returned from NY again after going to yet another wedding. I had a blast and it was great to see all of my family again. The weekend was unfortunately much too short…especially when you stay up all night long. As a result, I missed my flight to Salt Lake on Sunday morning. It didn’t really break my heart that much though because I was able to rebook for the next day at no charge. (I think the lady felt bad for me because she was lecturing me about being at the airport an hour and a half early and I was telling her that there was no need to lecture me on that fact because I am one of the most traveled people I know…oh yeah and I was also in tears…that helps too.) Then I proceeded to call my boss and take a sick day. So it all worked out.



Before I left for NY I noticed that birds were flying back into my dryer vent. Again! I sat there on a Saturday on my balcony and watched them do it! The vent cover was stuck up and they were carrying in twigs and whatnot to build another nest! I was so mad I was ready to take a lighter, go outside and burn the freaking nest. I complained again to the front office and told them to put some wire over the vent so this stops happening. Apparently this was an idea that had never occurred to them, but 2 days later, there was wire over the dryer vent, so hopefully I won’t have anymore bird issues.



This past Saturday Kelly dragged me to a bridal show. Ok, she didn’t drag me…I went willingly, but the only reason I went was because I knew that she needed someone to try on all the bridesmaid dresses. So we got to the show an hour early and stood in line waiting to be let in. Apparently the first 100 people in line also got a goodie bag because we were handed this bag with all the things in it that we would need for a good Mormon wedding. Let me tell you going to a bridal show in the state of Utah is an experience like no other. First off, Kelly and I showed up in line and the average age in the line rose drastically. Every single “bride” in that line looked like they were 18, which to be honest, they probably were. So we are standing there in line and we are looking around and I realize that some of these brides have brought their fiancés. The couple at the very front of the line might as well have given up their Mormon virginity in the line, they were showing that much PDA. I looked at them and then said to Kelly, (probably louder than I should have), “That kid’s balls probably just dropped last week. Look at him…he’s like 15.” (Which I found out from a book in my goodie bag is an acceptable age to get married in the state of Utah as long as you have parental consent.) This comment elicited dirty looks from all the good Mormon mothers, but Kelly laughed so hard I thought frappucino was going to come out of her nose. (Not only were we rolling our eyes at 18 year olds, we were also drinking Satan’s tears (coffee).) Kelly then looks at the back of the line and said, “It looks like a freaking high school back there.” Again, this was probably said much louder than it should have been and it elicited more dirty looks from the 36 year old moms. So we are standing in line and I just looked at her and I said, “You are lucky I am your friend…because there is no way in hell I would subject myself to this torture this early on a Saturday morning if I weren’t.” At which point the show got much worse. The 16 year olds that were modeling wedding dresses came prancing into the hotel. We were still waiting to be let into the ballroom and we were watching these models walk into the room in the finest temple garb money can buy (all $200 worth which from listening to the people behind us talk, is all these young Mormons can afford to spend on their dresses... because they are like 18 and don’t have real incomes yet.) Every single dress that was being modeled had short sleeves and longer. Apparently God also disapproves of shoulders because there was not a halter, spaghetti strap or strapless dress in the bunch. Kelly pointed out maybe that was because they needed to hide their fancy underwear underneath the dress…that could be as well…but we didn’t ask anyone so we don’t have an answer. At this point they decided to let us into the expo. We started out at the Bed, Bath and Beyond booth and quickly decided that this was not the place for us. I can’t count how many times people looked at me and asked when I was getting married or if I was already married. When I explained I was there for moral support they all had this, “Aww I’m sorry look.” You know the look…it’s the same look that a doctor would give you if he was telling you that you were dying of a terminal cancer in 2 weeks. So I pretty much felt like and was treated like a leper for the remainder of the expo. After about 15 minutes Kelly decided she had enough and we headed out. We then went to David’s Bridal where I tried on a number of bridesmaid dresses and she found one that she liked. Then we hit up about 2-3 more bridal stores and called it a day. So we think that she may have narrowed down the choice of bridesmaid dresses down to 2. And the wedding is still a year away…so we have plenty of time.



I had a concert last night. It was long but it was fun. It’s good to be playing my French horn again…although now that I have joined the band I was informed that they have a 2 month hiatus coming up…but whatever.



I think that’s all I have to update for now. Next update will be a reflection on the past year because I hit my one year mark living in Utah on Saturday and I will hit my one year mark at my job next Wednesday.



That is all.

Whew it has been a busy couple of weeks!



I haven’t updated in awhile because I have been out of town and had limited access to the internets. My trip started out with an extended layover in Cincinnati, OH whoo! I was supposed to get into Boston at 5:15, where I would then pick up a car and be on the road by 6. Well I got into Boston at 8:45 and proceeded to pick up an extremely ghetto rental from an extremely ghetto facility. When I say ghetto…I mean ghetto. The guy behind me was telling me about the bodyguard business he had in Fort Lauderdale, Chicago and Boston. Oh yeah, and he had a grill. Anywhos, so I get the car key and it tells me that I should be looking for a red Impala. I go out to the parking lot and there is a white Impala. I know it isn’t that big of a deal but even the registration says red…so I questioned the lady about it on my way out of the parking lot. She said, well the license plates match on the agreement and the car. Yeah, like plates aren’t switchable. At this point I could have cared less however because its raining and I’m tired and I still have to drive another 5 hours. (Which in hindsight was stupid, I know.) So I finally get on the road at 10 pm. After much rain, construction and auto lights coming on in the car I reached my destination at 3am. The rest of the weekend was spent hanging out with friends and family. Good times all around.



Sunday I drove back to Boston to attend a class, and I totally would have made it there in 4.5 hours but I spent 45 minutes trying to figure out where the base was. If you have never been to Hanscom AFB…it’s not very easy to find. So I check into my hotel on base and decide I need to eat dinner. The only good thing about living in Utah is that I know if I want dinner at 10:30 at night and I don’t care where I eat, there are 2 24 hour grease joints I can go to. Apparently in little ol Massachusetts there weren’t too many of those. So I grab some fast food and head back to the base. The only problem is the gate that I went into the first time and the gate that I left through…closed at 10. So by this point I am ready to park my butt right in front of the gate and spend the night in my car when I remember that I have the number for the hotel with me. I also had enough foresight to bring the page in the hotel binder with the base map. So I call the hotel and ask which gate is the 24 hour gate and she told me and hung up. Which was fine, but I realize that the map doesn’t label all the gates for me. But me being the observant person I am recall that when I was attempting to find food, I saw a sign for this gate…I just had to remember where I had seen it. Well to make a short story long…I found the gate and finally got to bed at midnight.



The class that I had to take was AWESOME! My group was the loud group (imagine that!) and we generally got along for the most part. There were several times when several members of my group were butting heads and I just wanted to shake them and say, “This isn’t real! Quit fighting and let’s get this done so I can go to lunch!” I met some real cool people though and the instructors were great! The instructors definitely make the class and mine were way cool! I also was one of four people that got a 100 in the class, so I felt like it was AF money well spent and not just some cheap excuse for me to spend some time in Boston.


So, the course ended and I drove back to Syracuse. For those of you that live on the east coast, you are probably thinking that I am crazy for doing all this back and forth from Boston to Syracuse. Let me tell you, living in Utah gives you a whole different perspective on long distance driving. 300 miles is nothing! I went to a wedding on Saturday that went generally well…except for all the obnoxiously drunk people…but it’s a wedding I guess that happens. I spent some more time with the fam and then I drove back to Boston on Monday. Well no, it didn’t go exactly like that…Monday morning I was getting ready to leave. My dad pulls in the driveway and my mom says, “Aww he came home from work to say bye to you.” He then runs in the house declares that we have cows running up and down Route 11 and that we need to be outside now! I wake up my sister, who doesn’t even flinch…she just goes from sound asleep to glasses on, to out the door in 1 movement (It also helps that she was already wearing windpants and a t-shirt.) So we all go running out and sure enough the stupid animals are all out of the fence and in the corn and the woods and heading for the road…it sucked. I am glad that I have been running sprints! So we finally get everyone back in where they are supposed to be and I smell like part cow and part corn…but there really was no time for a full up shower so I just changed back into what I was wearing before and hit the road like a bat out of hell because I am now an hour and a half behind schedule. I made it from Syracuse to Logan Airport in 4.5 hours, including a stop at the liquor store on Thompson Road so I could get Kelly some wine and 2 gas stops. But I made my flight so that’s all that matters. So I get to the airport with plenty of time to spare. I had a bottle of soda with me that I had every intention of drinking and since you can’t bring more than 3 oz of liquid through security I was chilling outside security in a chair, reading. So I am not really paying all that much attention to my surroundings but I notice this family near me acting very antsy. I look up to see what all the commotion was about and lo and behold there is John Kerry in all his botox glory standing at the Delta counter. So me being slightly amused start paying attention to what he does. Like a normal person John Kerry had to check his bags at the ticket counter…he didn’t use no sissy sky cap. However, when he was done with his checking in he powerwalked (much to the dismay of his short legged minion) to the state troopers over yonder. One of the troopers then proceeded to escort him around security. Now I know that this shouldn’t be surprising or that I shouldn’t get this fired up about it…but damn it, if you are going to make retarded laws about airline safety then you should have to suffer the consequences of said retarded laws. So anyways, he gets escorted around security and then I’m sure he boarded his wife’s private jet and flew to DC. So that was my amusement for the day. I returned to Utah fairly unscathed.



On Tuesday I was talking to a coworker who said he had been out late at the DCI competition the night before. I was completely shocked that Utah would hold such an event because we seem more like “Annie Get Your Gun” than “Drumline.” He said that his wife had played in the concert before and then they had stayed for the show. I said, “Concert? Band? What?” Apparently Ogden city has a band and apparently they are half way decent…like they have auditions and stuff. So he gives me the info and I email the director. The director emails back the same day and says come to practice on Wednesday to listen to a rehearsal and see if you want to join. Having the foresight to think ahead, I brought my horn with me but left it in the car. So I show up at rehearsal and I am listening to them play when the director says, “You know we are missing a lot of people tonight…do you have your own horn and do you by chance have it with you?” Now I have not picked up my French horn in any serious capacity in over 2 years (I played mellophone over a year ago…but I don’t think sitrus counts). So I apprehensively bring in the horn and played with the band. I know that I was no Dennis Brain (an amazing horn player for you non music geeks) but I wasn’t half bad…there were some nice cracked notes and partial issues…but overall relatively successful. So at the end of rehearsal the director informs me that there is a concert on Monday and that I should play. So I am playing in a concert on Monday…should be a good laugh if nothing else. At the end of rehearsal this other guy walks up to me and introduces himself and says, “Hey, we have this semi-professional orchestra in Salt Lake and we are always looking for horns. Would you like to play with us?” So now I am getting gigs, which is sweet. All because some coworker randomly mentioned he went to a DCI show. We band nerds really get around.



Other than that it has been a pretty busy week at work trying to catch up on all the stuff that I missed while I was gone.



That is all!