Only in Utah!!!


So I have not updated in quite awhile, and I am going to use this post to point out some of the ridiculousness of the state in which I now reside.

First, local news. There is a local news station that every morning asks a trivia question. Only in Utah would this station ask a question about a local sports team and no one knows the answer. Example: How long has the Jazz losing streak against the Spurs been standing? If you were in any other state with a professional sports team…SOMEONE would have called in the answer. I use my Boston friends as examples…they can probably recall every losing streak, winning streak and just random facts from the Sox, the Celts, the Bruins AND the Pats. Utants only have to remember the Jazz stats! Not that hard. Of course maybe they didn’t want to win the prize that morning which was (I kid you not) a CD entitled “Love Songs of the 70s by Donny Osmond.” I can’t make this stuff up folks! This same station then had a trivia question this morning that asked, “What is your favorite color?” Of course this sent me into fit of giggles because all I could think of is that old SNL Jeopardy skit with Darrell Hammond and Will Ferrell, where Will plays Alex and Darrell plays Sean Connery. Come on, you know you all were thinking it! Do they think Utants are still half asleep that early in the morning…or just simply retarded? I supposed either is a strong possibility.

Local commercials. There is a commercial on TV right now for Menlove, which is a car dealer. If the name alone wasn’t hysterical enough…they are running this commercial right now where this white trash mormon chick with 18 kids wants to buy a new car. Of course she can’t because her credit sucks and she is trying to pay for her 18 urchins. But praise Jesus and Moroni and Joseph Smith and all the rest, Menlove helped her get her new car. That isn’t the funny part…the funny part is and I quote, “We was in our new car by the end of the day.” Well heck and dang Billy Jean Bobby Sue, whatever your redneck name is…I’m durn happy that them there auto guys done put you up in a branded spankin new car. Honestly people, if you are going to put real people in your commercials, please make sure that they use the correct tense…so that I do not want to gauge my ears out of my head before I even get to work. Moving on…

Religion: I recently learned that if you are married in the Mormon temple…and every good Mormon yearns for that opportunity…you are sealed to your spouse. The idea behind that is that you are then married for ALL ETERNITY (see earlier post for Brandon’s reaction to that). Ok, so basically all this means is that you and your spouse better have gotten it right the first time, because y’all are having sex in heaven too…it doesn’t end with death do us part. Ok, so most of you probably think that’s fair and sounds like a decent idea…it kind of makes sense to me as well. However, if y’all didn’t get it right the first time and you get a divorce…that’s just a civil split. The church does not undo the sealing. Ok, so Billy Bob and Bobby Sue get married, they are sealed in the temple FOR ALL ETERNITY. Billy Bob beats Bobby Sue…Bobby Sue leaves…divorce follows. The state of Utah recognizes them as divorced…the Mormon church, does not. Ok, whatever right? Well if Billy Bob then starts seeing Sally Jo and decides to marry her…he can do so in the Mormon temple and be sealed to her as well. Hmm…so now he is sealed to 2 people!!! Hmm…so then Bobby Sue decides she is going to remarry to Joe. She cannot be sealed in the temple. Are yall following this logic? A man can be sealed to 2 women (or more) that he will see in the afterlife and have marital relations with and all that…but a woman can only be sealed to one man. (The sealing process can be broken…but it basically takes an act of God…no pun intended.) Have you made the logical connection yet? Mainstream, everyday Mormons believe that there is polygamy in the afterlife!!!!!!! But here on earth…no no, we don’t condone that process, polygamy doesn’t happen, hasn’t happened since some Joe Blow Prophet had that awesome revelation, yeah ok…gigs up. Oh yeah and please explain to me why then is it that I clearly saw my first polygamist family in the SL airport? Hypocrisy makes my head hurt!!!

No email days: Our wing commander decided that it would be a fantastical idea that we have no email on June 5th. Therefore, I will not be in contact with anyone via work email on June 5th. If you want to know what I think of this…ask me offline. I wouldn’t want to risk losing my job.

Which brings me to my first cheer of the day, Dooce.com! This chick is a blogger that lives in SL and is, and I quote, “a recovering Mormon.” Meaning that she attended BYU and all that crap and then went into the real world had her eyes opened and no longer has the blinders on like all the rest of Mormonland. She also lost her job because of her blogging habit (apparently blogging about bad things at work is bad.) So I will no longer mention names and berate coworkers on my blog. Well maybe I will still refer to certain individuals as goobers, because they are…but whatever. I have learned from others mistakes and I have found hope that perhaps in this state, I can find some like minded individuals.

Golfing: I have been out once this season. It was a ton of fun. 2 guys, a girl and a golf course. That was my day. It was awesome. I remember why I don’t golf with young men, but they are fun all the same. I plan to be hitting the links as much as possible this summer...which brings me to my next point.

So there is this guy at work who has told my friend via email that he might possibly be interested in me. Welcome to 5th grade…I know. Anyways, so he emails me the other day…obviously trying to hint at the fact that he might possibly like me or want to go on a date or something…but let’s face it folks, he’s a male engineer. SO we all know that means he will never have the chutzpah to actually go about the asking out…but whatever. So in the email he asks, “So did your boyfriend get you into golfing?” Let’s just say that statement did not go over too well with me. Welcome to the state where the men are the breadwinners and the women are the breadbakers. Can’t I freaking go golfing because I actually WANT to do it for MYSELF, not because some schmuck with a penis got me into it (Note: I am not calling my exs schmucks…just trying to make a point)!!! Heck, flip, dang and all sorts of other Mormon curse words! Who does he think he is? Did my boyfriend get me into it??? I had a boyfriend that didn’t even KNOW I golfed until after we had been apart for 3 years and I had been golfing for 3 years before I even met him! So needless to say that is one of the many reasons he will not get a date from me. End of discussion.

I think I am going riding this weekend with Amanda and Eammon. This makes me very happy, as I enjoy riding a ton and it’s free…and the horses aren’t nuts…see previous posts for details on crazy horses. I went riding with them a few weeks ago, and I must say I was intimidated…I was riding a 7 year old, not very broke horse. However, she was pretty awesome and I am looking forward to the challenge again.

I just realized that I really need to start updating when I see something funny. Which should be at least once a week! I’m making a resolution to attempt to do that. We’ll see how it goes.

That is all!